strange seeds

I had a slow vibrant happiness seeding in me. I was afraid for that seed. I circled it over and over. Scared I would give it too much water, nervous that it was buried too deep, terrified of loosing patience.

It had reached the surface and now my skin was vibrating. On a full moon, if I let you touch me, you could feel it. We floated with the stream in the river. Let it take us, he said, it's not like we have a choice anyway I replied and gave him a soft smile. The water had numbed our senses and all that was left was a cool spring day. Who wanted to mourn the passing of time on a day like this. Who wanted to think about the lonely future awaiting. I was headed for Mars and the others would have to wait.
I promised I would return. I would return to the memories, close my eyes and touch his air with my lips. No closer than this. Not now nor anytime soon. Perhaps not even in this universe. But why dwell on it. I would shake many nights before they take me. I would pass many scenes alone. We don't have a timeline, we got no places we have to be. It's just me. Me and my strange dreams.

No responsibilities, he said, how is that possible. I couldn't help but put my mask on, I am just a clown, a joke, an idiot, a butterfly swimming upstream in tar. Getting ripped to pieces only to resurrect and make the same mistakes over and over. The weight is crushing me, grinding my bones. I close my eyes only to see fire. Fire fire fire licking the inside of the lids catching my lashes and get torn by the wind. I tried not to whisper the words that floated inside. If I did he would lean closer to hear. So I smiled.
I smiled.