rain that will let things be reborn

I didn’t stand a chance, once it started we didn’t stand a chance. We called for mercy, but there was none to be found. I still remember the way you smiled. I still feel that cold, harsh heartbeat. It still lingers in the air the breath you released that sent those unformed words to me. It’s a cruel thing, memory. It hangs around like a thick fog that holds the mountain tops captive. I can see the clear blue sky above me, but I can't see the ground. If I take one step too far, will there be a cliff waiting for me. The rain made the air moist. I had seen the weather moving towards us, but I didn’t turn back. Quite the opposite, I started to walk in the direction to meet with it. I reached the place I had chosen to hide in while passing my time without you. We couldn’t be happier than we were for those short months that seemed to fill a lifetime. All we did was live. We lived as if we never knew anything else. We lived as we had never been parted, and as if we never would be. Standing still I had my hand on the wooden handle on the entrance. Soon the rain will come, I remember thinking. Soon it will be the last day of spring, I remember feeling short edged, and as a blunt knife I didn’t amount to much. 

For you, I would no longer be the girl that does everything. I still would do anything, but not for you, because you wouldn’t let me. It’s still and cold here, still and cold in a very satisfying way. We are not far away, I remember thinking. It’s still close to me, because I loved you for a lifetimes worth. All this writing cant save me, all this thinking couldn’t save us, all this talking couldn’t get us out of the mess we created.

As long as it’s raining I can’t move. The cloud releasing the rain weighed heavy on my hungover dehydrated head.

all mine

It's funny how time reveals itself to you when you're waiting. After a while it yields to you, becomes yours to command. The seconds will rush by or hesitantly tick tall. Hush, I would say to you, just listen, listen and feel my fingertips smooth over your skin. And as it was, you would feel time as I felt it. You would fall down in the hasten of years or suffer the eternity of the seconds. See, I would say, it's mine to command.
"See" she said with a sad slow triumphant smile "it's all mine, mine to command" and I yielded to her powers for a terrifying moment just to tense up and pull back. I can't do this again. It's too much. All she had to do was say 'sit' and I would fall to my knees. She would never ask anything of me, but her smile told me she knew she had everything at her fingertips without asking, and that power was driving her mad.
"You can't say 'no' to me" she said with a hint of desperation knowing the full extent of that undeniable fact "No" I quickly responded in a vague attempt to ease her mind, tho we both knew it was a lie. Then I left her, just to cement that answer, but it was a futile effort.
"You belong to me" said her every action in the weeks to follow "you belong to me no matter what. You can give yourself away and live a thousand lifetimes without me, but you are mine and have been from that night when we met. You were and always will be. That is our curse. It's the only thing we can keep and the only thing we can count on" she had more to say but suddenly fell silent.
After that she stayed silent for years

Deep unfeeling unknowing quiet

A deep green glowing forest and all I could hear was the occasional fluttering of birds abruptly taking off. It seemed hard to predict when they would lift, when they would suddenly decide to leave. I could call out for you, I could scream and push and let you know I had enough of waiting. But I didn't. I stayed still and silent. At times my quiet was intending to hurt you, but for most of the time it was just that. Just quiet. Deep unfeeling unknowing quiet. When I was done waiting I was left to do nothing but existing. It wasn't so bad, I've been in worse places, I've felt worse. Much worse.

thousands of words

I was stuck with this antsy feeling. Like the cells in the blood in my veins decided to be humans for a while and start forming up into little groups and fight each other. I wanted to punch every one of them in the face and say, your all in the same body, your all a part of the same system. Just try to fucking get along. Same for my thoughts and emotions. Everything was in war with something else. Contrary thoughts fighting for attention, truths all claiming to be ultimate disproving one another. I couldn’t run from any of it, because it was all a part of me. I couldn’t swear myself free from anything, because it all existed with in me and I was as much a part of them as they were of each other and me. None of us could escape and as it was now, none of us were happy. This war raged for hours, it stretched out for days. Normally it would help to write or draw or talk to others. But all of these things seemed only to contribute to the confusion. Whatever momentarily relief I got, a storm followed that was wilder than the one before. This made me go through the calm bits with disgust and disbelief. I turned helplessly bitter and small minded. With all the destruction and discomfort and uncertainty the wars left, I couldn’t feel any sympathy for any one. The reached out hands casted reached out shadows and those shadows I would kneel down and kiss in a jokers gesture. Take my dark love, creature of darkness. Can’t you feel my warmth through the cold hard concrete ground. Are you not connected to your shadow. Does it not touch your feet, is it not yours, does it not follow you wherever you go, are you not the origin and the owner of this shadow. So if I love your shadow, should you not be content with that.

I didn’t want to love again. I didn’t want to feel again. I had left my heart with you to do as you please. I had given you thousands of words. Was this not enough. A kiss could only be given once, but words could be read over and over.

It seemed that nothing I gave was ever enough and that the more I gave the more the gravity of the black hole pulled on me.