Leave

One more word is all you need to convince me you want me to go. I’m lingering just to make you say it. I’m here to force you to take part of what’s been boiling between us. I’m staying just to show you what you will be missing. We are all, just as this turns to nothing and the harsh winter wind blows out the flame in your radiator. You are wishing that the howling would stop as my soul grows wilder in the absence of your voice.

“Everything is so fickle in the mountains” you said and I just smiled as you turned me away, only to pull me back. Don’t plead to me with that guilty look in your eyes.

Nothing can ever be fully turned away.

Nothing ever fully comes back.

I wish it was the last time

She shrugged her shoulders and looked at him coldly. “I don’t know” she said with hard cornered syllables, every letter shooting straight at him. He blinked and got agitated, but there was nothing he could do now. 
It was too late.

Waking up in steaming sweat I realized it was a dream. I didn’t talk to him, I didn’t even see him, I just packed my things and left. He didn’t ask any questions. He only barely reacted. Like the corpse of a jellyfish slowly melting away in the sun. The stick pushed at the oozing surface, body wobbled but soon settled right back to original position. As if nothing had happened. As if us meeting had all been a dream from beginning to end, and I only just woke up, back where I started with my bags packed around me as if I was going somewhere. I felt disorientated for a while and wondered. It slowly dawned on me that I wasn’t going anywhere at all. I just got back. A chill went trough my body and a sickly feeling bubbled up in my throat. For ten painful seconds my skin screamed for the warmth of his. My breath stopped, I choked on a memory of his smell. My muscles twisted and in my brain the nerves was exploding in millions microscopic supernovas. It was too painful to bear. 
I couldn’t. 
But it only lasted for ten seconds. Once the cramp let go of me and I could inhale again, my eyes filled up. Watching everything lose edges and colour I felt a strange relief. Then I blinked away the tears and decided that I had enough of that. I slowly sat up and wiped my cheeks. Rubbing my forehead I swore.
I wish it was the last time.

Some days seem colder than others
Some hearts seem harder than others

Some months seem long

Some words seem empty

 

“I don’t know” she said with a harsh tone and shrugged her shoulders. I blinked and got agitated, but clenched my jaw. There was no point in saying anything now.
It was too late.

Then I woke up. The air was cold and damp and I felt disorientated. That emptiness came over me again, lost, as if the space around me had been consumed by a void and spitted out. Nothing had changed, but everything around me suddenly felt foreign and distant. My body distorted and so did the walls and the bed. I was shrinking and growing, my cells tormenting and mocking me. Her things where gone, my home settled right back into original position. As if us meeting had all been a dream. I lingered in bed for as long as I could withstand it, which was roughly about 10 minutes. There was too much food around that I couldn’t motivate myself to cook. 

Was something missing. 
What is this empty hole.