lead me back, take me home again

I will always come back to you

There is no one else

When it’s dark I feel the shadow of your hand

Grabbing mine and leading me home again

We started where the water held us

And we will return to the water

I’ll never let you go

Just like tide, I can’t be without water

Without darkness, your shadow cant reach me

Lead me back, take me home again

I will run until we both found what have been lost and taken

I will bring you to the waterside and hold you down

Clean you so that the wounds of the past can finally become scars

when there is nothing else left

Fill my head with dreams and sink me to the bottom of the sea
Leave me there to rest, leave me there to dwell
Soon the winds of the ocean will have stirred the sand
Covered me completely
Make sure you dont try to find me, make sure you forget
For the surface will be even, but below the dreams are growing wild
If you dont wake me, no promises will be broken
Nothing will be unfulfilled
Leave me there in the pulsating darkness
Safely anchored in my dreams, buried by the bottom of the sea

distances grow from the inside

It started as a small shiver of doubt, a slight vibration of a crack between us, it seemed only a micrometre wide. I hunched down to have a closer look, and realized it was the size of the distance between our star and the next. It is bigger than you and me; it’s bigger than anything I know. How am I supposed to hold on to anything when this happens every time. It is done now, I am standing here on my side, and you, you are where you are. The cold of the distance spread as fast as the shiver of realisation. Connection was lost and I was frozen again. What was left to hope for was crushed in one single simple blow. The one word you wrote was all that it took to set off the cracks. The deep sound of certainty cracking open, me standing on top of a black ocean, clear ice bursting in white lightnings, blitzing across distances touching the horizon in all directions, the sound reaching me from somewhere far away, a place I will never know. I will live here, on this cast off block of ice, drifting unattached in a black sea.

dark things that hide

His face morphed and space twisted around him. Something invaded the air and ripped into the atmosphere of a place it didn’t belong. “You don’t know the things that are going on in my head” he said with a devious smile. I could smell desperation leaking out of the corners of his mind where his inner child was hiding. “You don’t know” the others seemed to have fled. They backed away anticipating some sort of outbreak. I sat in the chair and felt like I was the only person on the planet. The rest had boarded the spaceship and shot off towards an orbit where they could circle in a safe distance. Left me with this shadow of a man. I looked at him, seeing the darkness that was about to swallow him and everything around us. It was a small room, but it suddenly opened up in a vast field of nothingness. My skin crawled and tightened around my neck, my vision vibrated. His nose grew long and pointy and his eyes that always strained to conceal what had been resting within, was now wide open and speaking. I knew what he kept. I knew that thing very well. It was eating away at him, slowly. It was tearing at things he held dear. That thing made him reckless and cold. It made him destructive.  

rain that will let things be reborn

I didn’t stand a chance, once it started we didn’t stand a chance. We called for mercy, but there was none to be found. I still remember the way you smiled. I still feel that cold, harsh heartbeat. It still lingers in the air the breath you released that sent those unformed words to me. It’s a cruel thing, memory. It hangs around like a thick fog that holds the mountain tops captive. I can see the clear blue sky above me, but I can't see the ground. If I take one step too far, will there be a cliff waiting for me. The rain made the air moist. I had seen the weather moving towards us, but I didn’t turn back. Quite the opposite, I started to walk in the direction to meet with it. I reached the place I had chosen to hide in while passing my time without you. We couldn’t be happier than we were for those short months that seemed to fill a lifetime. All we did was live. We lived as if we never knew anything else. We lived as we had never been parted, and as if we never would be. Standing still I had my hand on the wooden handle on the entrance. Soon the rain will come, I remember thinking. Soon it will be the last day of spring, I remember feeling short edged, and as a blunt knife I didn’t amount to much. 

For you, I would no longer be the girl that does everything. I still would do anything, but not for you, because you wouldn’t let me. It’s still and cold here, still and cold in a very satisfying way. We are not far away, I remember thinking. It’s still close to me, because I loved you for a lifetimes worth. All this writing cant save me, all this thinking couldn’t save us, all this talking couldn’t get us out of the mess we created.

As long as it’s raining I can’t move. The cloud releasing the rain weighed heavy on my hungover dehydrated head.

all mine

It's funny how time reveals itself to you when you're waiting. After a while it yields to you, becomes yours to command. The seconds will rush by or hesitantly tick tall. Hush, I would say to you, just listen, listen and feel my fingertips smooth over your skin. And as it was, you would feel time as I felt it. You would fall down in the hasten of years or suffer the eternity of the seconds. See, I would say, it's mine to command.
"See" she said with a sad slow triumphant smile "it's all mine, mine to command" and I yielded to her powers for a terrifying moment just to tense up and pull back. I can't do this again. It's too much. All she had to do was say 'sit' and I would fall to my knees. She would never ask anything of me, but her smile told me she knew she had everything at her fingertips without asking, and that power was driving her mad.
"You can't say 'no' to me" she said with a hint of desperation knowing the full extent of that undeniable fact "No" I quickly responded in a vague attempt to ease her mind, tho we both knew it was a lie. Then I left her, just to cement that answer, but it was a futile effort.
"You belong to me" said her every action in the weeks to follow "you belong to me no matter what. You can give yourself away and live a thousand lifetimes without me, but you are mine and have been from that night when we met. You were and always will be. That is our curse. It's the only thing we can keep and the only thing we can count on" she had more to say but suddenly fell silent.
After that she stayed silent for years

Deep unfeeling unknowing quiet

A deep green glowing forest and all I could hear was the occasional fluttering of birds abruptly taking off. It seemed hard to predict when they would lift, when they would suddenly decide to leave. I could call out for you, I could scream and push and let you know I had enough of waiting. But I didn't. I stayed still and silent. At times my quiet was intending to hurt you, but for most of the time it was just that. Just quiet. Deep unfeeling unknowing quiet. When I was done waiting I was left to do nothing but existing. It wasn't so bad, I've been in worse places, I've felt worse. Much worse.

thousands of words

I was stuck with this antsy feeling. Like the cells in the blood in my veins decided to be humans for a while and start forming up into little groups and fight each other. I wanted to punch every one of them in the face and say, your all in the same body, your all a part of the same system. Just try to fucking get along. Same for my thoughts and emotions. Everything was in war with something else. Contrary thoughts fighting for attention, truths all claiming to be ultimate disproving one another. I couldn’t run from any of it, because it was all a part of me. I couldn’t swear myself free from anything, because it all existed with in me and I was as much a part of them as they were of each other and me. None of us could escape and as it was now, none of us were happy. This war raged for hours, it stretched out for days. Normally it would help to write or draw or talk to others. But all of these things seemed only to contribute to the confusion. Whatever momentarily relief I got, a storm followed that was wilder than the one before. This made me go through the calm bits with disgust and disbelief. I turned helplessly bitter and small minded. With all the destruction and discomfort and uncertainty the wars left, I couldn’t feel any sympathy for any one. The reached out hands casted reached out shadows and those shadows I would kneel down and kiss in a jokers gesture. Take my dark love, creature of darkness. Can’t you feel my warmth through the cold hard concrete ground. Are you not connected to your shadow. Does it not touch your feet, is it not yours, does it not follow you wherever you go, are you not the origin and the owner of this shadow. So if I love your shadow, should you not be content with that.

I didn’t want to love again. I didn’t want to feel again. I had left my heart with you to do as you please. I had given you thousands of words. Was this not enough. A kiss could only be given once, but words could be read over and over.

It seemed that nothing I gave was ever enough and that the more I gave the more the gravity of the black hole pulled on me.

One of many

One of many voices passing through your life

One of many you grasp for without holding on to what you can’t catch

You tear me up, roots and all, and let me go to float in the river of life

And so it goes.

As minutes turn into days without time passing for you

Tell me again about how time is connected to space

As soon as you fell silent I desperately watch the clock twist

I knew it would be eons before we spoke again

No matter if you were just silent to catch your breath

One of many, that is what I will be

One of many I will disappear in the thick of the mass

Calculating the relativity between space and bodies

Trying to understand why I met you in the first place

I don’t deal with regrets

And I don’t deal with deceit

I simply walk away

i dream about

She opened her mouth to speak, but before the thought had bliztered through the nerves, something broke the connection and she remained silent. When she breathed again, it was a deep breath, deep sleepy breath, a dreamy sigh, a dark whisper of dreams and she was lost. He felt her body relaxing under his arm. Her thoughts lost all traceable indication of pattern. It was a nebula of connections, a warped four-dimensional web. Small explosions going off seemingly randomly. He couldn’t follow her and soon realized the two of them weren’t just separated by the clothes and the fall of the sheet between. In her mind, he wasn’t even there. He could feel it first as a small ripple over his skin around his wrist where her hand was wrapped around it. Then his bones started to tighten in on themselves along with her grip. Her breath was still calm, deep and sleeping, but something had changed in the air. Something had changed about her. The room was dark, he could barely make out her cold light shoulder-long hair on the pillow, even though it was inches from his face. He could smell it, a flowery scent of newly washed hair mixed with the dusty smoke from the fireplace. She had been leaning close to it in long periods during the night, warming her hands. Her hair fell forward and even further fell her stare. She looked like an old sharp-edged forlorn lady standing there wickedly glaring into the fire. She shifted so rapidly that I never could be sure of how to approach her. A sentence that worked perfectly fine would have a natural follow up sentence that got violently rejected. It could be a word or a tone that suddenly grabbed hold of her and sent her to a different place, a different dimension altogether. Once there, she took no consideration to the surroundings, she didn’t bother to take anything with her from this world to remind her where she had set off from. Perhaps it all happened too fast for her to react. Sometimes I could even see her grasping, her eyes widening in deep rooted panic for a nanopart of a second, her muscles tightening, blood forcing its way in and out of her heart as it was shutting its doors to me and everything around us. Nothing from this world was allowed to enter any longer, nothing of the old taken in would be allowed to seep out. Instead she shut that word or that shrug of a shoulder, a hint of a smile inside of her heart, held on to it, quenching it, tightened around it until her whole being collapsed in on it, pressed it to nothingness and then kept on pressing until they twisted into a black hole and invaded that new dimension. She fell in on herself and that word I had spoken, but that word would be forever lost. She had made sure to get rid of it, and all it could stand for, by crushing it with her whole being. Sitting next to me would be a different creature. Like this she died and was reborn. In the most violent of evenings she would do this several times and in fast pace. Her different faces would pan out before me like succession photosnaps, one by one by one by one she entered and left and gave me short insights to these new worlds she found herself in. She would adapt fully and commit to this new world as fast as she snapped out of the old one.

he smiles wider when he's sad

I shook my head slowly and I started to cry. That really surprised me. I didn’t think I would cry. Sneaking around the corner like an abused cat, passing him with my head bent down. When I saw him all the classic symptoms that I had read about exposed my broken heart. The plain typicality of the situation started to bore me. It was like going to a party that’s too well planned. I couldn’t set my foot down without feeling like something had told me to step right there and then. In a few days most everyone that knew us would be gone. The few left would rather not remember. I kept dreaming about you. Volatile ruthless dreams where I broke my heart ten times worse than you could ever.

Slow and shy time sneaked around the corner with me. Sometimes I wondered why I had stayed, when I knew you would keep pushing me away. You had pushed until you pushed me out of myself. Now all we had left was a shell and whatever roamed by and decided to temporarily inhabit that shell.

whats lost and missing me

It was a long lonely summer. I got lost in the days and the nights were even worse. At the very end I couldn’t tell dawn from the falling of night. At one point I was sure it had reversed and I lived the days backwards. The sun was setting, but I couldn’t remember if it was in the same place as before. If anything I was more sure that it made a full stop during one of those tormentingly long nights and then started to go the other direction. Actually, I could swear I had felt the very shift.

we were never

a million grains away

I’m inching nearer, but you sink deeper still

saying we are all the same, one million of ones

as deceitful and shrewd as you, we are one

there is no salvation, and there is no way of getting closer

there will always be a million of grains between us

a million of ways you have been distrusted and disillusioned

it is cold where you are, and cold is your soul

my fire burns, it hisses and heaves

as I sink deeper with you, still a million grains away

On leaving

I’m walking on a road, it seems pretty long

I look back and you are still standing there, right where you stopped.

I have to keep on moving, my feet wont allow anything else

Thinking I forgot something, perhaps it was a couple of words I wanted to say

So I run back to you, perhaps to give you something I found in my pocket

But you are bleak and distracted, the words don’t come out and the thing seems silly now.

You lower your eyes and wont meet mine, my hand falls to my side

Never mind I say after a while and force a smile, “I’ll see you around”

You finally smile too, as I’m leaving

I soon get right back to where I turned around, you seem ever further away

This time I know there’s no going back.

The coldness of your smile, as if you knew I would never return

I did something, perhaps a few words I said

We broke so quick, as the thing in my pocket my feelings seemed feeble and pretty ridiculous

There is nothing that can change it now, however silly your reasons sounded.

When your eyes finally met mine, I was way gone back in the distance

“Never mind” a sad sentimental thought, a few last words

I think I saw you smiling still, as the sun settled and left us nothing but darkness.

Her heart sighed

you followed me home again

in the comforts of doubt

'realize the air that you’re breathing is free' I said

and you purposely held your tongue

‘so is words’ she let the silence say

‘so is love’ her heart sighed

More days asleep, dreaming of nothing

You where high of the high we were in

The altitude made your vision thin and you didn’t see

Behind my grin was the rumbling sigh of a wall slowly collapsing

As I rebuild now you are on the outside

You wont let me let you stay close

I will remain broken behind this cover I’m creating

Even stronger though laser thin

How easy it will cut through anything

That tries to get to what’s been laid to rest within

Leave

One more word is all you need to convince me you want me to go. I’m lingering just to make you say it. I’m here to force you to take part of what’s been boiling between us. I’m staying just to show you what you will be missing. We are all, just as this turns to nothing and the harsh winter wind blows out the flame in your radiator. You are wishing that the howling would stop as my soul grows wilder in the absence of your voice.

“Everything is so fickle in the mountains” you said and I just smiled as you turned me away, only to pull me back. Don’t plead to me with that guilty look in your eyes.

Nothing can ever be fully turned away.

Nothing ever fully comes back.

I wish it was the last time

She shrugged her shoulders and looked at him coldly. “I don’t know” she said with hard cornered syllables, every letter shooting straight at him. He blinked and got agitated, but there was nothing he could do now. 
It was too late.

Waking up in steaming sweat I realized it was a dream. I didn’t talk to him, I didn’t even see him, I just packed my things and left. He didn’t ask any questions. He only barely reacted. Like the corpse of a jellyfish slowly melting away in the sun. The stick pushed at the oozing surface, body wobbled but soon settled right back to original position. As if nothing had happened. As if us meeting had all been a dream from beginning to end, and I only just woke up, back where I started with my bags packed around me as if I was going somewhere. I felt disorientated for a while and wondered. It slowly dawned on me that I wasn’t going anywhere at all. I just got back. A chill went trough my body and a sickly feeling bubbled up in my throat. For ten painful seconds my skin screamed for the warmth of his. My breath stopped, I choked on a memory of his smell. My muscles twisted and in my brain the nerves was exploding in millions microscopic supernovas. It was too painful to bear. 
I couldn’t. 
But it only lasted for ten seconds. Once the cramp let go of me and I could inhale again, my eyes filled up. Watching everything lose edges and colour I felt a strange relief. Then I blinked away the tears and decided that I had enough of that. I slowly sat up and wiped my cheeks. Rubbing my forehead I swore.
I wish it was the last time.

Some days seem colder than others
Some hearts seem harder than others

Some months seem long

Some words seem empty

 

“I don’t know” she said with a harsh tone and shrugged her shoulders. I blinked and got agitated, but clenched my jaw. There was no point in saying anything now.
It was too late.

Then I woke up. The air was cold and damp and I felt disorientated. That emptiness came over me again, lost, as if the space around me had been consumed by a void and spitted out. Nothing had changed, but everything around me suddenly felt foreign and distant. My body distorted and so did the walls and the bed. I was shrinking and growing, my cells tormenting and mocking me. Her things where gone, my home settled right back into original position. As if us meeting had all been a dream. I lingered in bed for as long as I could withstand it, which was roughly about 10 minutes. There was too much food around that I couldn’t motivate myself to cook. 

Was something missing. 
What is this empty hole.

 

It called itself darkness

It called itself darkness

Lingering cold and cleverly vicious

It stood there by a horizon that felt too near

And the world was shrinking

Now it’s only that and me

Now it’s only that

It called itself darkness and I knew what would come

It had been there before

Then gone but never really left

I stroke the streets with my thoughts and paced myself

“It all comes down to this” i wondered

me and it

me walking

it following

it called itself darkness and I no longer had a name

we had met before

I slowly lost my sense of being

Whatever comes after this will leave me long gone

“slowly” I thought

then only me and it

then me

and only darkness

we have never been parted

I long for he who will take me home

I long for that moment when he sees my face

I will smile and he will take my hand

The horizon will never seem too far away

The land will touch the sea

the sun kiss, gently kiss the water a million times

he will kneel down and pick up a handful of sand

he will pour and it will run between my fingers

this was your life, this was also mine

where you walked I have also been

as the grain is a part of the beach

so was I a part of your life

through all of the time that passed

we have never been parted

For a long good while

Don’t try to reach me now

Its too cold here

Don’t try to touch me

My skin is too shy

For a good while

My heart has been shallowly filled

With warm words that is too easily chilled

You can not reach me now

It is far too cold here

Don’t try to talk to me

My heart is too scarred

For a long good while

I will have to keep climbing this peak

With warm words that was meant to kiss your cheek

Easy, swift and shy

It was only a wind catching a feather that brought us together

If nothing else we had a moment that barely touched forever

Floating through a space between your world and mine

We connected for a brief glimpse of time

What is of the essence is not how we collide

What is of the matter is not how we hold on

All there is between, a short leap from your world to mine

Just a little rift in time

Easy, swift and shy

Our chance passes us by

As time is nothing

As time is nothing, but tide that rises after what follow

As I am nothing, but what’s left after you swallow

I am a word that fled your mouth; a thought resentfully shallow

I flutter and sparkle and shine and flatter

I am something that easily pass your mind and matter

make you think about things twice, but decide

‘No, with the direction I chose, after all, I am satisfied.’

Leave me alone with my fear and desires

Love is but a thing that expire

Don’t hold me dear like you once did

That was the only thing pure and, after all, dignified

Of all we kept close and hid

Of all the truths that made us liars

Of all dreams that fled those nights

Nothing could have taken me higher

Than the calm wind, the breath from your chest

Soothing down the back of my neck

Playing on the wildest of fires

He wont know a sound of it

With words that tingle like sirens song, 

I’m drawing him closer without reaching out. 

He won’t know a sound of it before this is all over 

and my mind has drifted far away. 

Its all muted careful treading in snow 

and rain will soon wash it away. 

Its a photograph of footsteps and I will say, 

yes perhaps it was me, 

but I am long gone my friend.

keeping a secret

You wont know how I took the dreams of you and I, put them in a bottle and sent it out to drift in the ocean. Perhaps someone will find them one day and let them out into the air. Unknowingly open the bottle and let the winds carry those dreams. Perhaps the winds will carry the dreams back to me, and I will smile and say, yes, once I really did love you. And I will still cherish those days. It will be a warm and fond memory. It will linger for a while, perhaps revisit when someone ask me about those poems I wrote. And I will smile and say, yes, perhaps I really did love him once.