One of many

One of many voices passing through your life

One of many you grasp for without holding on to what you can’t catch

You tear me up, roots and all, and let me go to float in the river of life

And so it goes.

As minutes turn into days without time passing for you

Tell me again about how time is connected to space

As soon as you fell silent I desperately watch the clock twist

I knew it would be eons before we spoke again

No matter if you were just silent to catch your breath

One of many, that is what I will be

One of many I will disappear in the thick of the mass

Calculating the relativity between space and bodies

Trying to understand why I met you in the first place

I don’t deal with regrets

And I don’t deal with deceit

I simply walk away

i dream about

She opened her mouth to speak, but before the thought had bliztered through the nerves, something broke the connection and she remained silent. When she breathed again, it was a deep breath, deep sleepy breath, a dreamy sigh, a dark whisper of dreams and she was lost. He felt her body relaxing under his arm. Her thoughts lost all traceable indication of pattern. It was a nebula of connections, a warped four-dimensional web. Small explosions going off seemingly randomly. He couldn’t follow her and soon realized the two of them weren’t just separated by the clothes and the fall of the sheet between. In her mind, he wasn’t even there. He could feel it first as a small ripple over his skin around his wrist where her hand was wrapped around it. Then his bones started to tighten in on themselves along with her grip. Her breath was still calm, deep and sleeping, but something had changed in the air. Something had changed about her. The room was dark, he could barely make out her cold light shoulder-long hair on the pillow, even though it was inches from his face. He could smell it, a flowery scent of newly washed hair mixed with the dusty smoke from the fireplace. She had been leaning close to it in long periods during the night, warming her hands. Her hair fell forward and even further fell her stare. She looked like an old sharp-edged forlorn lady standing there wickedly glaring into the fire. She shifted so rapidly that I never could be sure of how to approach her. A sentence that worked perfectly fine would have a natural follow up sentence that got violently rejected. It could be a word or a tone that suddenly grabbed hold of her and sent her to a different place, a different dimension altogether. Once there, she took no consideration to the surroundings, she didn’t bother to take anything with her from this world to remind her where she had set off from. Perhaps it all happened too fast for her to react. Sometimes I could even see her grasping, her eyes widening in deep rooted panic for a nanopart of a second, her muscles tightening, blood forcing its way in and out of her heart as it was shutting its doors to me and everything around us. Nothing from this world was allowed to enter any longer, nothing of the old taken in would be allowed to seep out. Instead she shut that word or that shrug of a shoulder, a hint of a smile inside of her heart, held on to it, quenching it, tightened around it until her whole being collapsed in on it, pressed it to nothingness and then kept on pressing until they twisted into a black hole and invaded that new dimension. She fell in on herself and that word I had spoken, but that word would be forever lost. She had made sure to get rid of it, and all it could stand for, by crushing it with her whole being. Sitting next to me would be a different creature. Like this she died and was reborn. In the most violent of evenings she would do this several times and in fast pace. Her different faces would pan out before me like succession photosnaps, one by one by one by one she entered and left and gave me short insights to these new worlds she found herself in. She would adapt fully and commit to this new world as fast as she snapped out of the old one.

he smiles wider when he's sad

I shook my head slowly and I started to cry. That really surprised me. I didn’t think I would cry. Sneaking around the corner like an abused cat, passing him with my head bent down. When I saw him all the classic symptoms that I had read about exposed my broken heart. The plain typicality of the situation started to bore me. It was like going to a party that’s too well planned. I couldn’t set my foot down without feeling like something had told me to step right there and then. In a few days most everyone that knew us would be gone. The few left would rather not remember. I kept dreaming about you. Volatile ruthless dreams where I broke my heart ten times worse than you could ever.

Slow and shy time sneaked around the corner with me. Sometimes I wondered why I had stayed, when I knew you would keep pushing me away. You had pushed until you pushed me out of myself. Now all we had left was a shell and whatever roamed by and decided to temporarily inhabit that shell.

whats lost and missing me

It was a long lonely summer. I got lost in the days and the nights were even worse. At the very end I couldn’t tell dawn from the falling of night. At one point I was sure it had reversed and I lived the days backwards. The sun was setting, but I couldn’t remember if it was in the same place as before. If anything I was more sure that it made a full stop during one of those tormentingly long nights and then started to go the other direction. Actually, I could swear I had felt the very shift.

we were never

a million grains away

I’m inching nearer, but you sink deeper still

saying we are all the same, one million of ones

as deceitful and shrewd as you, we are one

there is no salvation, and there is no way of getting closer

there will always be a million of grains between us

a million of ways you have been distrusted and disillusioned

it is cold where you are, and cold is your soul

my fire burns, it hisses and heaves

as I sink deeper with you, still a million grains away

On leaving

I’m walking on a road, it seems pretty long

I look back and you are still standing there, right where you stopped.

I have to keep on moving, my feet wont allow anything else

Thinking I forgot something, perhaps it was a couple of words I wanted to say

So I run back to you, perhaps to give you something I found in my pocket

But you are bleak and distracted, the words don’t come out and the thing seems silly now.

You lower your eyes and wont meet mine, my hand falls to my side

Never mind I say after a while and force a smile, “I’ll see you around”

You finally smile too, as I’m leaving

I soon get right back to where I turned around, you seem ever further away

This time I know there’s no going back.

The coldness of your smile, as if you knew I would never return

I did something, perhaps a few words I said

We broke so quick, as the thing in my pocket my feelings seemed feeble and pretty ridiculous

There is nothing that can change it now, however silly your reasons sounded.

When your eyes finally met mine, I was way gone back in the distance

“Never mind” a sad sentimental thought, a few last words

I think I saw you smiling still, as the sun settled and left us nothing but darkness.

Her heart sighed

you followed me home again

in the comforts of doubt

'realize the air that you’re breathing is free' I said

and you purposely held your tongue

‘so is words’ she let the silence say

‘so is love’ her heart sighed

More days asleep, dreaming of nothing

You where high of the high we were in

The altitude made your vision thin and you didn’t see

Behind my grin was the rumbling sigh of a wall slowly collapsing

As I rebuild now you are on the outside

You wont let me let you stay close

I will remain broken behind this cover I’m creating

Even stronger though laser thin

How easy it will cut through anything

That tries to get to what’s been laid to rest within