deep in the dream of you

She left me and I didn't follow. She walked unsteady, seemingly aimlessly as if still sleeping. The forest was dead quiet. All I could hear was the cracking of the branches under her bare feet. I slowly silently counted the steps, trying to calm her and stay with me a bit longer. She set her pace down, but she didn't stop and she didn't turn around. I knew this would happen, she told me right at the beginning. She never turns back.
I should have gone away days ago, I shouldn't have approached her at all. Something had pulled me to her, the choices I had made through life all led up to that point. When I was standing in the shadows watching her put her feet in the lake, the decision was made as soon as her toes touched the surface. As the rings spread across the water, so did our story over time.

She was caught in the dream. That dream where i would find her on the beach. She shivered as if drenched in water. Her muscles sore as if she had been fighting for her life. Her skin numb and her mind blank. She mumbled those last words over and over "Im sorry". Her head slightly tilted and lips touching something she loved. They touched me in that dream of hers. I couldn't wake her, she had already left. I couldn't put my arms around her like I would do in the dream, she wouldn't accept me in this form. It was too real, too close.
I felt sweat dripping from my fingers. The weight of the future was too much to hold. I fell to my knees and started to cry. Watching her feet as she walked right past me. I was broken. I wanted her to talk to me again as if she didnt know me and still trusted me. I wanted her to hold me in her eyes again. But she wouldn't turn back.

You make me weak and soft, how precious you are to me.
He fell to his knees thinking I couldn’t see him anymore. But I saw him. I loved him like I had always loved him, with my heart engulfed in flames. I smiled, but he didn’t see. His eyes was fixed on my feet. The forests uneven floor tickled and stung me. My hand just over his hair, my fingers pinching one strand and pulling it off his head. He didn’t notice. He was crying. I inhaled the air he had been breathing, I inhaled the scent of his tears and sweat.
I knew I was lost. I knew just how lost I was, deep in the dream of you.

strange seeds

I had a slow vibrant happiness seeding in me. I was afraid for that seed. I circled it over and over. Scared I would give it too much water, nervous that it was buried too deep, terrified of loosing patience.

It had reached the surface and now my skin was vibrating. On a full moon, if I let you touch me, you could feel it. We floated with the stream in the river. Let it take us, he said, it's not like we have a choice anyway I replied and gave him a soft smile. The water had numbed our senses and all that was left was a cool spring day. Who wanted to mourn the passing of time on a day like this. Who wanted to think about the lonely future awaiting. I was headed for Mars and the others would have to wait.
I promised I would return. I would return to the memories, close my eyes and touch his air with my lips. No closer than this. Not now nor anytime soon. Perhaps not even in this universe. But why dwell on it. I would shake many nights before they take me. I would pass many scenes alone. We don't have a timeline, we got no places we have to be. It's just me. Me and my strange dreams.

No responsibilities, he said, how is that possible. I couldn't help but put my mask on, I am just a clown, a joke, an idiot, a butterfly swimming upstream in tar. Getting ripped to pieces only to resurrect and make the same mistakes over and over. The weight is crushing me, grinding my bones. I close my eyes only to see fire. Fire fire fire licking the inside of the lids catching my lashes and get torn by the wind. I tried not to whisper the words that floated inside. If I did he would lean closer to hear. So I smiled.
I smiled.

12 years asleep

She was still sleeping when I met her again, and she would be sleeping for a very long time. When someone is that lost in their dreams, I can't help but thinking it can't be a good idea to try to shake them out of it just like that. They will wake up believing that the dreams actually happened as a thing of the past, or that they are an on going continuum in another reality parallel to this one. Or even worse, that this world, that you and I live in, is a dream and that other world is the real one. I really think you should be careful dealing with a mind like hers. She was a rare one of her kind, head in the clouds and afraid of anything that touched the ground, including her own feet.

It’s a very lonely place to spend your time, I can tell you that much. Imagine your world being just about as stable as a plane in turbulence and as reliant as the weather forecast. That’s her world. Just about anyone or anything can come and go with a wind turning her light spring rain into a tornado.
“It’s all about attitude” she said “A warm summer day can annoy me as much as autumn snow can annoy the next man. Look at this” she gave the pile on the side of the ally a playful kick. I felt my stomach turn over since I was sure it was a rock. She certainly wasn’t dressed in the right footwear for rock kicking. Both of us had been caught off guard by this sudden snowfall. I hunched and pulled my jacket tighter around me, she skipped like a child, hands in pockets on a buttoned down coat. The snowcovered stone turned out to be a pile of leafs. With the kick she sent them flying and they spread across the white freshly laid carpet. “Look how the colors stand out even more now, see how the reds changed? How you can see even more nuances now?” I looked at her pointing at the leafs. On the snow covered lawn there were scattered dead leftovers. It was only in her eyes I could see the colors reflected by her enthusiasm. She couldn’t understand this. “Look” she urged me again when she noticed my focus was attached to her rather than the ground. “Yes, I see” I said and forced my eyes to let go of her.

Twilight zoned again

It reminded me of the building I always got lost in, the one in my dream. I would walk around and it felt like an organic being, rapidly mutating, opening up new spaces and new staircases. It would give birth to beings, seemingly human, but there was something off about them, about the way they moved. They had a dusty smell to them and their footsteps echoed in the hallways. I did everything I could to avoid them. In the end of the corridor a new set of stairs, I leaned over the rail and looked down. Just like in the dream. I felt nauseous and turned back. I can't handle this right now. I just want to sit down and paint. The door with the wifi sign on it was closed. The room felt empty, but I was too scared to turn the handle. Who knows what was hiding inside. It could be absolutely nothing and no one, but I'm sure if that isn't the case I would be more than just another person walking in. I'm usually not something that just blends in and here, in this empty library, I'm more than a little strange. Weaving back and forth indecisive, I finally headed for the bathrooms to hide.
I just...want to sit down...and paint.

Currents that passed

The current was so strong, I didn’t stand a chance. I spent most of my days barely over surface and the nights were one long line of river sand stirred up by my face dragging along the bottom. My hands clutching the mud and releasing it. The brown cloud spread out and passed me. When I reached the sea, waves rolled over me. The cold water numbed my body and I was thinking, if the sea was calmer I could probably hear your heartbeat. That was when she came to me, the creator of all good and evil. She rose with the waves and she told me she wanted to crush everything. Her eyes were cold and clear like icicles and she spoke with the depths of the sea. I realized I had to get up. Standing on the seafloor I placed my hand on her forehead. 
“Heart be still” I whispered “Spare them”.