thousands of words

I was stuck with this antsy feeling. Like the cells in the blood in my veins decided to be humans for a while and start forming up into little groups and fight each other. I wanted to punch every one of them in the face and say, your all in the same body, your all a part of the same system. Just try to fucking get along. Same for my thoughts and emotions. Everything was in war with something else. Contrary thoughts fighting for attention, truths all claiming to be ultimate disproving one another. I couldn’t run from any of it, because it was all a part of me. I couldn’t swear myself free from anything, because it all existed with in me and I was as much a part of them as they were of each other and me. None of us could escape and as it was now, none of us were happy. This war raged for hours, it stretched out for days. Normally it would help to write or draw or talk to others. But all of these things seemed only to contribute to the confusion. Whatever momentarily relief I got, a storm followed that was wilder than the one before. This made me go through the calm bits with disgust and disbelief. I turned helplessly bitter and small minded. With all the destruction and discomfort and uncertainty the wars left, I couldn’t feel any sympathy for any one. The reached out hands casted reached out shadows and those shadows I would kneel down and kiss in a jokers gesture. Take my dark love, creature of darkness. Can’t you feel my warmth through the cold hard concrete ground. Are you not connected to your shadow. Does it not touch your feet, is it not yours, does it not follow you wherever you go, are you not the origin and the owner of this shadow. So if I love your shadow, should you not be content with that.

I didn’t want to love again. I didn’t want to feel again. I had left my heart with you to do as you please. I had given you thousands of words. Was this not enough. A kiss could only be given once, but words could be read over and over.

It seemed that nothing I gave was ever enough and that the more I gave the more the gravity of the black hole pulled on me.