rain that will let things be reborn

I didn’t stand a chance, once it started we didn’t stand a chance. We called for mercy, but there was none to be found. I still remember the way you smiled. I still feel that cold, harsh heartbeat. It still lingers in the air the breath you released that sent those unformed words to me. It’s a cruel thing, memory. It hangs around like a thick fog that holds the mountain tops captive. I can see the clear blue sky above me, but I can't see the ground. If I take one step too far, will there be a cliff waiting for me. The rain made the air moist. I had seen the weather moving towards us, but I didn’t turn back. Quite the opposite, I started to walk in the direction to meet with it. I reached the place I had chosen to hide in while passing my time without you. We couldn’t be happier than we were for those short months that seemed to fill a lifetime. All we did was live. We lived as if we never knew anything else. We lived as we had never been parted, and as if we never would be. Standing still I had my hand on the wooden handle on the entrance. Soon the rain will come, I remember thinking. Soon it will be the last day of spring, I remember feeling short edged, and as a blunt knife I didn’t amount to much. 

For you, I would no longer be the girl that does everything. I still would do anything, but not for you, because you wouldn’t let me. It’s still and cold here, still and cold in a very satisfying way. We are not far away, I remember thinking. It’s still close to me, because I loved you for a lifetimes worth. All this writing cant save me, all this thinking couldn’t save us, all this talking couldn’t get us out of the mess we created.

As long as it’s raining I can’t move. The cloud releasing the rain weighed heavy on my hungover dehydrated head.