whats lost and missing me

It was a long lonely summer. I got lost in the days and the nights were even worse. At the very end I couldn’t tell dawn from the falling of night. At one point I was sure it had reversed and I lived the days backwards. The sun was setting, but I couldn’t remember if it was in the same place as before. If anything I was more sure that it made a full stop during one of those tormentingly long nights and then started to go the other direction. Actually, I could swear I had felt the very shift.

we were never

a million grains away

I’m inching nearer, but you sink deeper still

saying we are all the same, one million of ones

as deceitful and shrewd as you, we are one

there is no salvation, and there is no way of getting closer

there will always be a million of grains between us

a million of ways you have been distrusted and disillusioned

it is cold where you are, and cold is your soul

my fire burns, it hisses and heaves

as I sink deeper with you, still a million grains away

On leaving

I’m walking on a road, it seems pretty long

I look back and you are still standing there, right where you stopped.

I have to keep on moving, my feet wont allow anything else

Thinking I forgot something, perhaps it was a couple of words I wanted to say

So I run back to you, perhaps to give you something I found in my pocket

But you are bleak and distracted, the words don’t come out and the thing seems silly now.

You lower your eyes and wont meet mine, my hand falls to my side

Never mind I say after a while and force a smile, “I’ll see you around”

You finally smile too, as I’m leaving

I soon get right back to where I turned around, you seem ever further away

This time I know there’s no going back.

The coldness of your smile, as if you knew I would never return

I did something, perhaps a few words I said

We broke so quick, as the thing in my pocket my feelings seemed feeble and pretty ridiculous

There is nothing that can change it now, however silly your reasons sounded.

When your eyes finally met mine, I was way gone back in the distance

“Never mind” a sad sentimental thought, a few last words

I think I saw you smiling still, as the sun settled and left us nothing but darkness.

Her heart sighed

you followed me home again

in the comforts of doubt

'realize the air that you’re breathing is free' I said

and you purposely held your tongue

‘so is words’ she let the silence say

‘so is love’ her heart sighed

More days asleep, dreaming of nothing

You where high of the high we were in

The altitude made your vision thin and you didn’t see

Behind my grin was the rumbling sigh of a wall slowly collapsing

As I rebuild now you are on the outside

You wont let me let you stay close

I will remain broken behind this cover I’m creating

Even stronger though laser thin

How easy it will cut through anything

That tries to get to what’s been laid to rest within

Leave

One more word is all you need to convince me you want me to go. I’m lingering just to make you say it. I’m here to force you to take part of what’s been boiling between us. I’m staying just to show you what you will be missing. We are all, just as this turns to nothing and the harsh winter wind blows out the flame in your radiator. You are wishing that the howling would stop as my soul grows wilder in the absence of your voice.

“Everything is so fickle in the mountains” you said and I just smiled as you turned me away, only to pull me back. Don’t plead to me with that guilty look in your eyes.

Nothing can ever be fully turned away.

Nothing ever fully comes back.

I wish it was the last time

She shrugged her shoulders and looked at him coldly. “I don’t know” she said with hard cornered syllables, every letter shooting straight at him. He blinked and got agitated, but there was nothing he could do now. 
It was too late.

Waking up in steaming sweat I realized it was a dream. I didn’t talk to him, I didn’t even see him, I just packed my things and left. He didn’t ask any questions. He only barely reacted. Like the corpse of a jellyfish slowly melting away in the sun. The stick pushed at the oozing surface, body wobbled but soon settled right back to original position. As if nothing had happened. As if us meeting had all been a dream from beginning to end, and I only just woke up, back where I started with my bags packed around me as if I was going somewhere. I felt disorientated for a while and wondered. It slowly dawned on me that I wasn’t going anywhere at all. I just got back. A chill went trough my body and a sickly feeling bubbled up in my throat. For ten painful seconds my skin screamed for the warmth of his. My breath stopped, I choked on a memory of his smell. My muscles twisted and in my brain the nerves was exploding in millions microscopic supernovas. It was too painful to bear. 
I couldn’t. 
But it only lasted for ten seconds. Once the cramp let go of me and I could inhale again, my eyes filled up. Watching everything lose edges and colour I felt a strange relief. Then I blinked away the tears and decided that I had enough of that. I slowly sat up and wiped my cheeks. Rubbing my forehead I swore.
I wish it was the last time.

Some days seem colder than others
Some hearts seem harder than others

Some months seem long

Some words seem empty

 

“I don’t know” she said with a harsh tone and shrugged her shoulders. I blinked and got agitated, but clenched my jaw. There was no point in saying anything now.
It was too late.

Then I woke up. The air was cold and damp and I felt disorientated. That emptiness came over me again, lost, as if the space around me had been consumed by a void and spitted out. Nothing had changed, but everything around me suddenly felt foreign and distant. My body distorted and so did the walls and the bed. I was shrinking and growing, my cells tormenting and mocking me. Her things where gone, my home settled right back into original position. As if us meeting had all been a dream. I lingered in bed for as long as I could withstand it, which was roughly about 10 minutes. There was too much food around that I couldn’t motivate myself to cook. 

Was something missing. 
What is this empty hole.