himlen är oskyldigt grå

surreptitously

 we both know youre coming back. 

lets think about how we want it to be after

wasting time without you

 i dont want to leave you alone.

i want to hang on your back with my head on your shoulder

i want to sigh when you look away

i want to stream endlessly my inner voice over you

watch you when you sleep and impatiently wait for you to wake

pout when you close yourself off

get angry when you dont understand

i want to spend hours watching you, to figure out what you need

when you wake up, how can i make you smile

can i touch your hair?

how can i make you happy. 

by leaving you alone..?

a thousand pieces of my naked body

 a thousand wild ants

eating at my flesh

i spread the sugar

i lie still and let them crawl

does he resent me now

my skin sinder

i ashen

i think he left long ago

i watch giant crowns of trees sway

another bite, are they not done yet

how much left now, can you check, i cant feel anything

let them pick me like im a field of a thousand flowers

 would i recognise you in any shape

if a pull is instictive, i assume its you

will you get angry if i fail?

in my wicked world - he would reach out for me a thousand times

in my wicked world - if he doesnt then let me betray him a thousand times

for me its you, always you

only you

im searching for

solace in silence

do you hate me this deeply because i seen your soul

you travel steady calmly on the wildest sea

my storm is no match to your waves

our rythms entwine so gracefully, its blindingly beautiful

you can leave dramatically, close doors and throw me

when souls speak, humans should rest

the ways of walking alone

 relief was breif

i moved south and the comforting blanket of white ran thinner

things buried beneath, the complexities

i cant escape

for as long as you decide, youll be the soil for my seeds

youll be the shades of my darkness

my silent companion casting a curse on every new path that opens up

the ways of wrapping myself in this solitude

his black bitter jealousy 

is my water

in the ways of saying goodbye

 what is this feeling of the first day of snowfall

a pure even layer gently set a mute on all reflections of sound

its so soft, the voice of the world

the calming linear texture

it was a day to say goodbye

tears roll down the back of my eyes

 stars will you carry my thoughts tonight

i have only one for each of you, so it wont be too heavy right?

he took all of them in steady stream for days and days

free flow from every corner

where i had been sitting isolated for so long

now im back in my echochamber 

this asylum with padded locked doors

my tears creep roll to the back of my eyes

im suffocating, drowning from the inside

will someone come and open me up

pain will be brief and only mine

 nothing can beat my heart out of pulse like dark shade if your hair

its the last thing i breathe in at night

my lips so close to your neck and my fingertips

these ones

i cant believe its the same ones

maybe i shifted to a different universe

the pain when it broke shattered time and sent us this far from eachother

i dont fear anything

everytime i see your name i smile nostalgically

as if a ghost, placid and suspended midair

its ok

everything is ok with me

empty shell colliding cannot hurt anything or anyone

my pain will be breif on impact and then it will

finally be over

i get drunk on your power

 i held still for a while before i answered

just to lay in the vulcanic tension of you waiting

you get so angry so fast

but you dont give me any options

weeks of starving, lava feels nice

things buried in the glacier takes a sudden harsh breath

im wide awake, and the demon of you is everywhere

sing

 sing a song for my unheard heart

colder times are approaching

as if prompted by its frosted lining

ice burns on greedy hands

i was wondering, is it all a joke

why dont i feel scared

i just keep searching, as if roam is the singular form

if it was freedom, i would live free

but its a prison, my feet are stone heavy

its a cruel addictiction, a relentless drive

the unstoppable force

remoreseless, indifferent to exhoes that clangs the chambers of my heart

is time speeding up even more. can you feel the thrust as i do?

 change your tone boy, dont give me that deathstare

think deeply about the path ahead

just to keep you safe

 if i ran a thousand simulations

would they all end the same 

if i sent us to the quantum field, would we come back as something different

if i could reset you, and approach you again

i can carry all the pain, i can hold out to the fear

this time i would keep the wildfire inside me

let it burn me to an ashy pile

just to keep you safe

you pulled yourself out of reach

is this the safest youll be?

my selfish desire to lay my hands on you

they should stay empty, until this timeline ends

for the restart, will i remember

sink a stone

but the happy memories are too close in time

i hope they stick to the walls

soon i will leave, can i have peace then?

what youre giving me now, nothing but misery

i will weave the dreams into the bedframe

soon i will have a new bed, can i have my life back?

this slow drag from train to train will stop

why did we create them, just so the echo could torture me to insanity

just to show me what happiness feels like, and let me know ill never reach it again.

blisful ignorance, sink a stone in me, take everything with you.

blank slate , thin white paper

sink a stone in me 

isnt she sweet

the girl that you trapped in the glass jar

isnt she sweet

she lives in the vaccum of your silence

we cant reach her anymore

try to open the jar, she will disperse, reality of how you abandoned her

little white flower

 captain of my soul

is not steering me at all

i flail in all directions, searching for his words

reaching for his mind

but he abandoned post and only his ghost remains

a constant shadow that streches thin and tall on the moonlit echo that once was our secret domain

look what i created, do you like your kingdom?

silence.

the rot sets from the ourskirts as i desperately protect the core

ill keep the memory safe until you return

its a small white flower, i ate it and now it grows in my heart, warming me from the inside like a tiny sun

i hush as the universe close in on me

its very dark here.

its so very dark